well well today i dont have anything much exciting to say, it was my dads birthday yesterday and my brothers birthday today thats about all.. but today i want to talk about someone that is really really special.  every week i will try and express my feelings about someone i know.

Today it is going to be oats. why did i choose him? because i am a person who is very unattached from my emotions and he is one of the two people that have crack my shell. last night i made him cry. i wanted him to write a comment on my blog and he said no that he couldn't express himself and didn't want to have a shit comment among all my good writing. although i can see that he has his right to object to my request i was still hurt that he didn't acknowledge my work enough to make any comment. he said that writing something would be just soo hard. this made me angry that he was not willing to put in the effort.

he is someone who over the last few months has grown in my heart, he is younger than me and i feel very very close to me, i even made him my honourary brother, i love him to pieces but think that i made him really really upset, i did this by saying that maybe we shouldn't talk anymore. the reason i said it was because although most days i hurry home in order to talk to him i feel like i end up saying something that hurts him, i just felt like i didn't want to hurt him anymore and it would be best. but i was very wrong of course it would not be best.

i think i will be selfish and continue to talk to him, i think my life without him in it would be very sad. a big piece of my heart would be missing and i dont want that either.

i know he reads this everyday so thats why i put this up today,

oats you are my little angel and i wont stop talking to you, i will keep to you to my self,

wait i might just have to take this off now so none else tries to steal my special little guy away. lol

luv ya oats.

Genie's Opinion.

on Sunday morning i got a phone message, it was my Aunty and it said

"we had a house fire last night, we are ok but have some smoke inhalation"

at that moment my heart fell through the floor, i really felt my world crash down once again as it did 5 years ago. i really didn't want to have to live through it again, but once it happens to someone that you know it makes it so much more real. i dont talk about it very often but i thought that maybe it was time that i got everything off my chest and let some ppl into my background and open my life to them. so here is a description of what happens and how i felt.

for the 6 weeeks before christmas that year my family was walking around constantly in fear. our neighbour who was suffering from skitzophrenia (oh well i cant spell it :P ) took a dislike to our family and started to smash the windows of our house steal things from our yard and damaging our car.

after many long nights worrying in finally happened, it was the 29th December at about 6 o'clock in the morning, he decided to set our house alight. he took the mower petrol can from the shed and popured it over our side wall, being an old house and made of wood the flame quickly spread in the roof, my mother was the only one who heard the alarm and quickly came to wake me and my brother up. i ran to the next neighbours house, she is a nice lady and rang the emergency squads. the time that i was knocking on her door was a time was a feeling i have not experienced since, the adrenline running through my body stopped all sensation i was having in my entire body, standing out side waiting for the fire brigade was a big struggle, i wanted to cry, i wanted to run away, and i wanted to pretend i was asleep. after a long while we were allowed to go back inside, the place were i has been sleeping not long ago was i pile of black rubble. from my childhood i was able to get my baby blanket, it is one of the things that holds my past and me together, it is still on my bed, it doesn't keep me very warm but hey...

my mum is the strongest woman i know and has created through hard work and a long time commitment that she gave to motherhood has selflessly given up her life to create a good one for me and my brother. we have a new house built on the same block on land and we have everything we need, my mum needs a medal for putting up with the emotional and physcosocial repurcussionas it has had on my life. everytime i smell that housefire smell, it makes be feel ill. i have dealt with it very well over the last 4 years but having it happen to family has made it recurr in my mind.

i am feeling much better about it now that i have collated my thoughts in this blog. thanks guys for listening.

btw the man whowrecked my past house only lives 15 minutes away from my house now and did not go to jail, even after attempted murder but i feel safe because if i could survive through it once i can do it again because it definitely did make me a stronger person.

also dont ever underestimate the power of your mother :)

Genie's opinion for today.

P.S. dont pity me, just smile it off and make sure you value your friends and family more than your posessions.

well, well, well.

it seems that my comments yesterday really fueled a fire, last night on msn i was bombarded with lots of comments. alot of ppl blocked me and others believed it was the right thing to do. but on the whole made me very unpopular. I stand by what i said and believe that is right to say.

There is someone that today want to apoligise to...

her name is Elise as i call her Lil, I became friends with her in yr11 and seen her as a key person in changing my life in senior school. For a short while I saw her as my bestie, after school i didn't much of her and ended up not seeing her at all.

in high school, i was in the popular group, i was someone who put down ppl and saw anyone who tried to question me as an inferior. at the time i was selfish and saw only the benefit i would recieve from my behaviour. i didn't realise that the ppl that i felt so close to felt the same way as those who hated me. since starting Uni this year i have grown alot and i lot of realities have set in that i couldn't see last year because of my own bigheadedness.

A boy a bit younger than me has finally cracked my shell, i said some things that were particularly mean to him and made him really upset for the first time i felt bad about what i had done, this was a turning point for me, i realised there was a whole other world to experience, oh that apoligy will wait for a different day, but Lil finally told me that yes i was mean to her aswell, after all this time, i do feel bad for the times that i hurt her in High School, he dont talk anymore except maybe of the net every few days. i really want to show her how much i value and miss our friendship.

hopefully she will be able to forgive me, but if not i will go away with alot of happy memories of the fun and silly thinngs wee did together.

Luv ya girl!!!

oh btw everyone if you have a friend who you hurt its about time you gave them a call and said SORRY!! it might only be one word to you but it can mean the world to them.

Genie's Opinion

during the past two months i have been today talking to alot of teenagers ranging from 11 yrs old to about 17 yrs, during my time talking to them i discovered that 7 out of the 20 were experiencing some form of depression. i came across it with my cousin and started inveastigating. these are a few comments that i found ppl said to me during our conversations.

"yes i am suicidal if thats what you mean"

"this is the 3rd time i've been depressed i'll get over it"

"i feel bad all the time" "ppl hate me, why cant i make friends"

"i feel lonely and frustrated" "i curl up into a ball and it goes away"

"if i apoligise all the time i wont get hurt"

"everything in my life is shit"

Anyway i started questioning why 35% of everyone i talked to felt like that. then i came across another set of people. these ppl find much gratification in putting down other ppl and using words to build there own self esteem, i am yet to work out why they must detrement others ppl's quality of life to fulfill their own trivial needs, these ppl i found are trying to compensate for a lack that they are experiencing in other patrs of their lives. i am not targetting the individuals who do this but maybe i suggest that it needs to be addressed as part of a greater sociological issue. some of the tings that ppl have said to me during this time and made me realise why there was such a surge in tennage depression. if i wasn't a strong character i would have been suffering from it too.

"bitchy, stupid fag" - adrian

"go to hell with the rest of your dead friends" -danielle

"err you.. *shudders*" - steve

"skanky hoe" - rustle

"your a slut then" - jess

"those ppl should fuck off and go to hell" - andrew

"some chick i dont know her name.. how annoying" - bianca

although some of these ppl i have forgiven and found that they are really sweet ppl it still shows you some idea of what ppl go through everyday making them depressed.

smileyjoe, timtim, and teddybear still love you guys. :)

Genie's Opinion for today